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Heaven in a Tourniquet

One More Time For Me Pt. 9


bri/stef lovers

You have reached placebobitch's creative journal. It will be full of band fanfiction and random pieces of artwork. There will be lots of slash and sexual encounters. None of the people in my stories belong to me with the exception of Ben, Clémantine, Marguerite and Claude. I only write for fun and the enjoyment of others, so please don't sue me!


One More Time For Me Pt. 9

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bri/stef lovers
Title: One More Time For Me
Fandom: Placebo
Pairing: Bri/OC
Rating: NC-17
Notes: A massive massive fic that took me over a year to write. I've divided it into parts to make it easier to read.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Tuesday 5th April:

Brian awoke to the loud, aggravating sound of birds chirping in the morning air. He opened his eyes in shock and glared at the nearby trees as if to catch the culprit. The birds sang on undeterred however, so Brian rubbed his eyes and untangled the blanket from his legs. He stood up unsteadily and nearly fell over before realising his left foot had gone numb. His muttered curses were loud enough to jolt Ben’s mind into consciousness and his eyes opened grudgingly. Brian smiled at the sleepy look on the taller mans face and helped him to his feet, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“Morning.” He said brightly, “Coffee?”

“Mmhm.” Came Ben’s mumbled reply and they both traipsed into the kitchen, leaving the blanket behind on the chair.

Brian pottered around the cupboards preparing coffee and looking every inch the domesticated goddess whilst Ben sat at the table and relived the previous night’s conversation in his head. A hot cup of aromatic liquid was soon placed in front of him as Brian joined him at the table, lighting an obligatory morning cigarette.

“So,” Ben said as he blew cold air over his coffee, rippling the surface, “Tell me about Placebo.”

Brian looked as though he had been expecting the sentence and took a long drag before speaking.

“Well we are a trio who have been writing music together since 1994. Our first album was released in 1996 and we have had 4 studio albums and one singles collection.” He reeled off as though the facts were imprinted in his mind.

“Wow you’ve been together quite some time then.” Ben said sounding slightly impressed. “What kind of music do you play?”

“Mostly rock music I would say.” Brian replied after some consideration to his band’s genre.

“And are you famous?” Ben asked.

“Well our last album sold over a million copies and we sold out a concert at Wembley arena last November. I’d say we were quite well known.” Brian responded with a hint of pride in his voice.

“I must say I’m impressed. Though I feel a little ashamed that I hadn’t heard of you before.” Ben smiled.

“Well I’m glad you hadn’t. Or we probably wouldn’t be together.” Brian replied, returning the smile.

“So I suppose being such a famous band, you tour a lot?” Ben finally asked the question he had wanted to know.

“Yeah. Most of our tours last over a year on and off.” Brian said with a sigh, “It gets a bit stressful.”

“So prospective partners don’t get to see much of you?”

“Well that all depends on where we are touring and whether said prospective partner likes the bus. We are allowed tour bus guests.” Brian replied as he realised what Ben was getting at.

“And how long can tour bus guests stay for?” Ben asked as his mood lightened considerably.

“As long as they can bear it. Stef’s boyfriend managed the whole of our last European tour.” Brian grinned.

“Well that’s good to know. I was thinking you would fly off and leave me a month after I moved in with you!” Ben admitted with a laugh.

“Aww never. Plus we won’t start touring until about 2 months.” Brian joked. “Anything else you want to know?”

Ben thought for a moment before coming up with a question.

“Groupies?” he said, his face quite serious.

“Used to. But the novelty wore off after a few years. Plus they all started to look like me and I’m really not that narcissistic.” Brian replied honestly, bringing a smirk to Ben’s face.

“Fan’s look like you?” he asked, trying not to giggle.

“Well you know, too much black eye shadow and eyeliner for their own good. Plus they tend to copy my hairstyle. From the bob to the flick to the crop to the mullet.” Brian rolled his eyes.

“You had a bob?” Ben asked, trying to imagine his boyfriend with long hair.

“Yeah back when I used to wear dresses.” Brian replied casually.

“You wore dresses?!” Ben exclaimed.

“Oh dear, I obviously still have a lot to tell you!” Brian laughed.

“Well that can be a story for later, because now I have to have a shower, get dressed and go and quit my job.” Ben said as he got to his feet, disposing of his mug in the sink.

“And see Clémantine.” Brian added. “And perhaps go tell your other friends you are moving to a different country tomorrow?”

“Oh yeah, that might be a good idea.” Ben agreed. “What are you doing today?”

“Go and see Clém after you. I need to explain myself. Then go to the guesthouse to get our stuff and talk to Marguerite and Claude.” Brian said as he joined Ben by the sink.

“Sounds like a busy day. I propose we get pissed later to celebrate.” Ben suggested.

“Now that’s a plan” Brian smiled as they headed to the shower.

Ben knocked hesitantly on the familiar front door and rocked back and forth on his heels, shifting his balance nervously. He waited for what seemed like hours before he heard a clattering in the front hall and Clémantine opened the door looking slightly harassed. A smile instantly appeared on her face as she took in Ben's form and stood aside to let him in. He stepped through into the living room and took a seat on the sofa, patting the cushion beside him to indicate Clémantine should join him.

“So..” Clémantine started after a short silence, “Did Brian find you last night?”

“Yeh he did.” Ben replied, nodding his head.

“And?” She pressed the matter further.

“We had an argument, then he explained why he did it and I forgave him.” Ben said slowly.

“You forgave him?!” Clémantine exclaimed looking shocked. “But he lied to us!”

“Yes he lied. And he explained his reasons and I forgave him.” Ben reasoned.

“So what was his brilliant excuse then?” Clémantine replied sarcastically.

“That's not my place to say. Brian will explain to you later.” Ben said turning to look at her. She held his gaze seriously, still not looking in the slightest bit impressed.

“Look Clém, I believe him, isn't my judgment good enough for you? I don't want you to hate Brian.. I love him.” Ben said sadly.

“Ok I'll give him a chance, just for you. But I want to hear his reasons for lying to everyone he met in this village.” Clémantine replied after a while. Ben smiled with relief and swept her into a hug, pulling her close to his chest.

“Thank you.” he said sincerely when they broke away, “I have something else to tell you though.. Brian asked me to move to London with him..”

“And I'm guessing you said yes?”

Ben nodded, tears threatening at his eyes even as he smiled.

“So I suppose I'll have to make it up with Brian before you go then.” Clémantine joked weakly as she felt a lump rise in her throat. They stared at each other for a moment before grief overtook them and they fell into each other’s arms.

“I love you so much Ben, I'm going to miss you.” Clémantine sobbed into Ben's shoulder.

“I love you too.. It will be so strange not having you close to me anymore.” Ben replied quietly.

“You know, we always dreamt about kicking up and leaving this shitty town, but I never thought you'd go ahead and leave me behind.” Clémantine admitted through tears.

“I'm not leaving you. You know you're welcome to come and stay anytime.” Ben said.

“I know.. it's just hard to think about. We'll manage.” Clémantine forced a smile as she pulled away slightly.

“We will.” Ben reassured her.

It had been barely 10 minutes since Ben had left when Clémantine was startled by another loud knock on her door. She knew who to expect this time though and let a sorry looking Brian into her hallway.

“Clémantine I-” he started hopelessly.

“Want to explain?” she finished with a grim smile. “Come and sit down.”

Brian followed her obediently into the living room and sat down on the sofa, curiously in the same position as Ben.

“Shoot.” Clémantine said, leaning back and folding her arms. Brian took a deep breath and started to speak.

“I didn’t mean to lie to you and I’m so sorry I did. But I.. well I didn’t want you to automatically assume my personality due to my career. People have done that before. They write me off as a media tart who cares about no-one but himself, and they don’t give me a chance to show my real personality. I just wanted you to see the real me.” He said carefully.

“So you thought you would win our affection by lying to us?” Clémantine replied.

“No I never planned to lie to anyone. It just.. came out and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” Brian said truthfully as he stared at Clémantine. She thought for a moment before sighing.

“I still don’t think what you did was justified, but Ben loves you and I don’t want this to break us apart. So I’m forgiving you, but only for his sake.”

“Thanks Clémantine.” Brian smiled slightly as he reached out to squeeze her arm. “I am going to miss you, you know.”

“Yes well you had better keep your promise of getting me to London. I expect to be there next weekend once you are both settled.” Clémantine returned his smile.

“You’ll be on the first plane on Friday, don’t worry.” Brian grinned, before glancing at his watch. “Oh I’d better get going. I need to get our stuff from the guesthouse and talk to Marguerite.”

Clémantine nodded and got to her feet, escorting him to the front door.

“Thanks again Clémantine. This really means a lot to me.” Brian said as he turned to walk down the path.

“No problem.” She replied, watching as he smiled in a satisfied way and headed off for the guesthouse.

Brian was about halfway to the guesthouse and just planning what he was going to say to Marguerite when he remembered his own friends back home. He had forgotten to tell Stef and Steve that Ben would be coming back with him. He quickly fished around for his mobile in his pocket and dialled Stef’s number first. It rang about ten times before a very tired sounding voice answered at the other end.


“Hey Stef.” Brian beamed, happy to hear a familiar voice.

“Oh Brian.. what’s up?” Stef replied wearily.

“I have some good news. But firstly, what’s wrong with you? You sound tired?” Brian queried.

“Hung over. Steve came round last night and umm.. yeh.. hung over.” Stef said.

“Ohh.” Brian smirked.

“Don’t you ‘ohh’ me.” Stef chastised in his tired state, “What’s the good news anyway?”

“Well.. I told Ben everything last night.. about what I do and my plans for going back to London. I finally asked him.” Brian recounted with a smile.

“And? What did he say?” Stef asked eagerly, sounding much more awake.

“He said yes!” Brian said happily and possibly a bit too loudly as Stef held the phone away from his aching head.

“Ahh that’s so great. I’m so happy for you.” Stef replied. “When is your flight then?”

“Uhm.. tomorrow at 5pm. So we land at the same time in London, you know, time difference and all.” Brian confirmed after pausing for thought.

“Ok, well I’ll come and pick you both up. You don’t need the hassle of finding a cab on Ben’s first day here.” Stef said.

“Thanks Stef. It’s going to be great to see you again after all this time. I’ve missed you a lot.” Brian smiled.

“I’ve missed you too. Now let’s hope you’re all fresh from your holiday and raring to go in the studio.” Stef laughed quietly.

“Yep I think I’m all unblocked.” Brian replied just as he stopped outside the guesthouse entrance. “Is Steve still there? I want to talk to him.”

“Yeh sure, I’ll just go wake him.” Stef said, holding the phone by his side as he crossed the room to wake the drummer who was fast asleep on a sofa. Brian leant on the wall, smiling as he listened to their muffled conversation.

“’Ellow?” Steve murmured into the phone.

“Hi Steve.” Brian grinned.

“Wa’sup?” Steve replied, obviously the owner of another mammoth hang over.

“Oh I just wanted to tell you the good news about me and Ben. He’s coming back to London with me.”

“Oh thas great Bri!” Steve said, sounding as genuinely pleased as someone with a pounding head could be.

“Thanks. Well I’ll let you go now. Stef can explain the rest to you later. I’ll see you on Thursday.” Brian said.

“Ok Bye.” Steve mumbled.


Brian ended the call and placed the phone back in his pocket. He took a deep breath before turning and pushing open the guesthouse door.

He walked inside and was greeted with an empty room. He heard voices from the door leading into the kitchen and cautiously stepped towards it. Marguerite and Claude were sitting with an elderly couple at the table and chatting animatedly. Claude glanced up at the doorway and fell silent as he spotted Brian there. Marguerite noticed his silence and followed his gaze. She smiled at the couple and excused herself, stepping away from the chair and out into the reception.

“Marguerite-” Brian started as she approached him.

“There’s no need to explain to me dear.” She silenced him by holding up her finger. “You didn’t lie to me and to be honest I don’t care what your profession is. You are a nice young man and that’s all that matters to me.” She smiled and motioned for him to sit down at the desk. “Now tell me what happened with Ben.”

“I.. I followed him back to his house and we had an argument. I explained myself to him but then he found out that I have to go back to London on Thursday to work in the recording studios. So I asked him to come back with me. And he said yes.” Brian told her, quite surprised by her bluntness.

“And do you love Ben?” Marguerite questioned.

“Yes. I love him.” Brian replied more confidently.

“Then everything is fine.” She smiled at him. “So this means you are both leaving on Thursday?”

“Wednesday. The flight is in the afternoon, that’s why I came today. To let you know and to pick up our things.” Brian answered.

“Ok, everything is still in your room.” Marguerite said with a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Thanks for letting me stay Marguerite. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t know Ben or Clémantine. You’ve been really good to me.” Brian said sincerely.

“No. Thank you Brian. You made Clémantine accept Claude and helped me to accept Ben. Plus I probably know more about my niece now that I ever have done! Oh and you helped us lose spectacularly at Bowls.” She winked at him. “Now let me help you get all your clothes together.”

Brian slid the key into the lock of Ben’s front door and gratefully pushed it open, dumping the suitcases into the hallway before he managed to dislocate his shoulder. He sighed and traipsed into the kitchen to make some coffee. The reality of his departure had finally sunk in when he packed away all his clothes at the guesthouse. Marguerite had waved him off with a tearful farewell and even Claude had said his goodbyes. Now all that was left, it seemed, was to actually go back. But everything would be fine as Ben was coming back with him, and that would have been the part of Laitue Bécote he would have missed the most.

Brian settled onto the sofa in the living room and sipped his coffee in silence. Ben was obviously still out either at his workplace or seeing his other friends. He decided to pack the rest of his clothes away before Ben got back or he might be too intoxicated or hung over to carry out the task later. Then once he was finished if Ben still wasn’t home, he could finish off the last of his lyrics. Satisfied with his mental plan, Brian sat back and enjoyed the silence for a while longer as he tried to remember how much alcohol they had left in the house.

Brian put his hands on his hips and gazed down at the pile of clothes on the bed that somehow had to fit back into the suitcase with the rest of his stuff. It seemed to look a lot more than he could remember bringing with him, and disdainfully he picked up a sock and flung it into the open case. Slowly he started to fold all the clothes and pack them in, squeezing them down as he started to run out of room. The toiletries came last and he went and collected them all from the bathroom and threw them on top of the clothes. Just as he thought he had finished, Brian remembered that he needed an outfit for tomorrow and had to pull out most of the top layer to find something suitable. He finally managed to pack it all back in after selecting a simple pair of jeans and a patterned shirt. The lid closed surprisingly easy and although Brian had to hold down the top to get the zip done up, it wasn’t too difficult. He stood back and surveyed the neatly packed bags, mentally noting to leave them for Ben to haul down the stairs. He found his own shoulder bag and notebook and set off outside to find somewhere peaceful to write.

My guy is a tad transcontinental

But it keeps me in chains

Watching old black and white movies

Fred and Ginger are too sentimental, crying unashamed

I don’t want to be forgotten

I can't be alone so don't you dare leave me
It's like coming home to skin that has died
Human voices like a drone
And they're looking right through me
Scatter the ashes one more time for me, one more time for me

My guy has a tattoo ornamental
When he's frozen in space
Cut your eye far to me
A covered carcass is too elemental, caught underneath a subway
I don't want to be forgotten
I can't be alone so don't you dare leave me
It's like coming home to skin that has died
Human voices like a drone
And they're looking right through me
Scatter the ashes one more time for me, one more time for me

One more time for me, One more time for me, One more time for me

One more time for me, One more time for me

Translikened, twisting my ankle

Doing the grave dance

Narcotics, yes please I’ll have a sample

Riding on my very last chance

Then the clouds will open for me

Gonna meet my Jesus Christ

I see history playing before me

For pleasure and passion, you pay the price

Sadness the name of the spike that took me

I’ll make it my own

Like some raging, hard, horny Mephistopheles

Came for my soul

Brian smiled in a satisfied way at the finished lyrics scrawled across the page and closed his notebook. He breathed a sigh of relief at actually having something to show for his 4-week holiday and leant back against the tree. He had come to the same field he used for all his writing, as the tranquillity and peaceful scenery seemed to help the words to flow and give him inspiration. Brian stayed for a while to appreciate the quietness for a final time before he returned to his hectic London lifestyle. Only when the sun started to shift towards the horizon did he get his things together and started to make a move back home. He noted with interest on his way back that the café had closed early, the silver shutters gracing the windows.

“Maybe they can’t cope without Ben.” Brian smiled to himself as he continued down the road.

By the time he reached Ben’s house it was just starting to get dark and a chill had blown across the town, making Brian regret not bringing anything warmer than a shirt. He opened the front door and was greeted by Ben walking out from the kitchen.

“Hey babe, how was your day?” Brian asked, sliding easily into a welcoming hug.

“Quit my job, said bye to all my friends. It’s odd. I feel so free right now.” Ben replied as he kissed the top of the smaller man’s head.

“Mmm. Just think, we’ll be on our way back to London this time tomorrow.” Brian smiled. “Oh yeh and I booked our tickets this morning. It’s all sorted.”

“Wasn’t that quite expensive as it was so last-minute?” Ben queried.

“Us rock stars can afford luxury expenses like that.” Brian joked with a grin.

“God, rock star. That’s going to take a bit of getting used to. My boyfriend is a rock star.” Ben mused to himself.

“Well that would make you my groupie, so go on, get me a glass of wine.” Brian smirked as he sashayed into the living room.

“Cheeky.” Ben grinned, tapping his arse as he followed him.

Brian sat down on the sofa and poured himself a generous glass of wine from the open bottle on the table. Ben quickly joined him and together they raised their glasses in a toast.

"To London and new lives?" Brian declared questioningly.

"London and new lives" Ben agreed, the glasses clinking softly together. He drained the liquid in one go and sank back into the sofa, grateful for some comfort after walking around the village all day. Brian curled into his side, nuzzling his face in the crook of his arm and trying to sip wine at the same time. This failed hopelessly and only resulted in Brian spilling wine everywhere. Ben smiled and plucked the glass out of his hands, placing it on the table before wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist.

“What did you do for the rest of the day then?” he asked as he carelessly brushed his fingers over his lover’s thigh.

“Well Clém had a bash at me, then forgave me. Marguerite helped me pack our stuff, which I then dragged back here. Then I packed the rest of my clothes, had a coffee and went to finish writing.” Brian said, recounting his day slowly.

“Did you get it done?” Ben asked as he tightened his grip.

“Yeh. That song, you know? I finally finished it.” Brian smiled, motioning to the notebook lying on the table.

“Can I?” Ben asked as he leant forward slightly to reach it.

“Sure. That’s why I mentioned it. I wanted to know what you think?” Brian said apprehensively as Ben opened the notebook. He became quiet in concentration as he started to read, his eyes flicking across the page. Brian fidgeted slightly in the silence. Ben finally came to a stop and stared blankly at the scrawled handwriting.

“What? What did you think?” Brian asked impatiently.

“I.. It’s..” Ben stuttered, still staring at the pages, apparently speechless.

“That bad?” Brian replied dejectedly.

“No, not at all. The total opposite in fact.” Ben said, looking up from the notebook, “It.. well I hate to be presumptuous but.. It was for me?

Brian nodded quietly.

“I loved it.” Ben stated simply, causing Brian's concerned expression to melt instantly into a smile.

“God I was worried for a moment you thought it was a load of crap. he confessed.

“Never, it was beautiful.” Ben replied as he placed the book on the floor. “Just like you.” Brian squirmed slightly and blushed, turning himself to face Ben.

“I've never had anything written for me before. I'm touched. Thank you.” Ben said quietly.

“Don't thank me, you're like my muse. You inspire me to write.” Brian said as he leant up to brush their lips together.

“Anyway, enough praise and ego-feeding. Our heads won't fit onto the plane.” Ben smirked, eagerly accepting Brian's mouth on his own. They kissed slowly and lovingly, savouring the taste and feel of each other. Brian's hands slid up Ben's arm and shoulders, his fingers dancing across the skin and causing appreciative noises from his lover. Ben let his tongue flit teasingly around Brian's mouth, sending shivers down his spine and pulling them both into the sensation. They broke away, both smiling, and stayed in their comfortable embrace for a while.

“Brian? What's London like?” Ben asked, breaking the silence.

“You've never been?” Brian questioned curiously. Ben shook his head and Brian had to stop himself laughing at the child-like innocence of it.

“Wow. Well It's big. Most people don't realise just how big. But all of the interesting and touristy stuff is in central London which is relatively easy to get around by tube.” he replied.

“Don't you drive?” Ben queried.

“No, I've never bothered to learn. I either get cabs, public transport, or Stef or Steve to take me where I need to go.” Brian grinned sheepishly.

“Lazy git.” Ben joked, “And I suppose the nightlife is a bit better than here?”

“Well theres a fuckload of choice. There must be at least four pubs down my street, not to mention all the clubs nearby. Oh and the gay bars are worth a look.” Brian winked at the last comment.

“Gay bars? Now that's something I’ll have to visit.” Ben smiled at the thought.

“Just don’t go getting chatted up by the strippers, or I’ll get all jealous.” Brian smirked, crossing his arms.

“What if we share them?” Ben grinned suggestively.

“Then that’s fine.” Brian agreed with a smile, twisting his arms back around Ben’s chest.

“So, what's the area you live in like?” Ben asked.

“It’s nice. Good pubs and restaurants, not too shabby looking either.” Brian said as he reminisced about his home.

“I can’t wait to see it.” Ben admitted.

“Tomorrow. It’s not far now. Oh and Stef is picking us up from the airport.” Brian added.

“That’s nice of him.”

“Mm it is, I’m really looking forward to you two meeting each other. I think you'll get on really well, you have similar personalities.” Brian said.

“Well we’ll find out tomorrow. What time will we be leaving here?” Ben asked.

“The flights at 5, so we need to leave here by about half two. I’ll call a cab to take us to the airport.” Brian replied after a short pause for thought.

“Ok.” Ben sighed, “I wish it would come quicker.”

“I know how to make it pass quicker!” Brian grinned, holding up the bottle of wine.

“I like your thinking.” Ben smiled as he went to find the rest of the alcohol.

Brian giggled at the bottom of the chair across the room.

“Ben, s’all upside down.” he said incoherently.

“That’s because you’re hanging backwards off the sofa.” Ben smiled at the smaller man sprawled across his lap.

“But if I’m upside down.. and the chair is upside down.. shouldn’t it be the right way up?” Brian questioned.

“I don’t know, you’ve confused me.” Ben admitted with a short laugh as he reached for another glass of wine.

“Brian?” he asked after thinking for a moment.

“Mmm?” Brian’s reply came from somewhere down by his feet.

“You’re a singer right?” he continued.

“Yes. Why?”

“I’ve never heard you sing.” Ben noted.

“Oh.” Brian replied shortly, before tumbling off his lap and onto the floor.

“Will you sing for me?” Ben asked sweetly as he helped Brian back onto the sofa.

“Maybe. What’s in it for me?” Brian replied curiously, staring at his wine glass suspiciously, trying to work out how much liquid had been in it before he fell off the sofa.

“Oh a sexual favour or two..” Ben commented casually, bringing a smirk to his lover’s face. Brian climbed off the sofa and carefully placed his glass on the floor, before knocking it over with his foot as he stepped onto the table.

He coughed loudly, clearing his throat before striking a pose, hands on hips and a perfect pout gracing his lips. He quickly launched into a rather drunken rendition of Lady Marmalade, complete with dance moves.

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir.” he purred, swaying his hips. Ben felt his mouth go dry as he stared at his writhing, wailing partner. Brian noticed and played up to it, trailing his hands across his body as he inched further across the table.

“Sat in her bourdoir while she freshened up, boy drank all that magnolia wine. Her black satin sheets where he started to freak.” he sang, dropping to his knees and crawling closer to Ben. Ben gulped as Brian moved onto his lap, quickly straddling him.

“Nice voice..” he commented before Brian’s lips attacked his own with an unyielding passion. He arched his back as Brian dragged his fingernails down his chest, slipping his hands under his shirt. Brian’s mouth broke away, moving across to Ben’s neck and sucking on it fervently. Ben let out a loud gasp as his own hands slid over Brian’s back, gripping the smooth curves of his arse. Brian smirked as he rubbed his groin against the other’s, bringing his lips back to Ben’s. He captured them between his teeth, nibbling and sucking gently on the flesh before slipping his tongue into Ben’s mouth. Ben moaned and pulled them closer together, pushing his own hips upwards as he felt himself getting more turned on. Brian freed up one hand and let it travel down between their bodies, rubbing the rapidly growing bulge in his lover’s jeans. With his free hand he relieved Ben of his shirt, only pausing their lustful kisses to yank it over his head and onto the floor. Ben’s hands explored the delicate contours of Brian’s spine as Brian lavished attention to his chest. He sucked on the skin forcefully, leaving a trail of marks across the pale skin and allowed his hand to work on Ben’s zip. Ben’s eyes closed in bliss as Brian’s small hand worked its way inside his jeans, allowing himself a groan at the contact. Brian paused for a second, looking around the room expectantly.

“Champagne..” he muttered.

“What?” Ben asked, in a state somewhere between desperate arousal and drunkenness.

“We need champagne.” Brian repeated.

“Why?” Ben asked, pushing his hips forward in an attempt for more contact. To his disappointment, Brian started to climb off his lap.

“We don’t need it. Stay here.” Ben said softly as he pulled him back.

“No we need Champagne. I’ll have to go buy some. I won’t be long.” Brian stated, leaning in for a lingering kiss before getting to his feet unsteadily.

“Ok but hurry back.” Ben sighed, admitting defeat as he motioned to his straining underwear.

“Mmm now you be a good boy and wait for me.” Brian purred, running his tongue across his lips at the sight of Ben topless and hard. He grabbed his shoulder bag before quickly stepping out of the house and striding down the road towards the nearest off license.

Brian stumbled out of the shop, clutching a blue plastic bag in his hand containing the much-required champagne. He idly thought of the golden bubbles running across Ben's hot skin and found himself getting hard again in the middle of the street. He giggled to himself and was just about to start walking when something familiar caught his eye on the other side of the road. Brian turned and recognised Nicolas walking determinedly across the pavement.

“OY!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, waiting expectantly for him to stop. However Nicolas simply glanced back and then carried on walking. Brian crossed the road quickly, becoming infuriated as he shouted after him in his drunken state.

“Stop you fucker! I wanna talk to you!” he shouted, tripping up the kerb and quickening his pace. Nicolas paused at the end of a pathway before turning into it, walking up to the front of what Brian supposed was his house. He stopped in front of the door fumbling with his keys in his bag. Brian ran after him, skidding to a halt at the top of the path. He idly let the plastic bag slip through his grasp as he glared at Nicolas, causing a large crash as the bottle smashed on the floor. Nicolas visibly jumped and turned around to face the smaller man, a matching glare decorating his features.

“What is your problem Molko?” he asked irritably.

“My problem?!” Brian shrieked, “You’re the one with a fucking problem. Are you determined to break up me and Ben?”

“I’m not going to waste my breath arguing about this.” Nicolas stated, turning his back to Brian as he successfully managed to find his keys.

“All you’ve done since the day I got here was to try and make my life a misery.”

Nicolas seemingly ignored him as he casually opened his front door. Brian, infuriated, grabbed his arm and swung him around, slamming him against the wall with more strength than he realised.

“What do you want from me?” he demanded, looking Nicolas straight in the eye. Nicolas’ resolve appeared to waver for a second, as his eyelids fluttered nervously and his breathing became uneven. Brian felt something stir inside him as he continued to glare up at the taller man, and had he not been so drunk he might have realised it was a glimmer of recognition.

“What do you want?” he repeated slightly quieter, gripping his other shoulder. Nicolas’ tongue darted out from between his lips for a second as he contemplated his reply.

“You..” he murmured huskily.

In the few seconds it took for the phrase to sink into Brian’s mind, Nicolas had freed himself of the limp grasp and stumbled forward onto the singer, pressing their lips quickly together. Brian's body reacted quicker than his brain and before he realised what he was doing he was kissing Nicolas back hungrily.

/No! This is wrong!/ his conscience yelled at him inside his head. But the fluttering in the pit of his stomach seemed to indicate otherwise and they both stumbled through the open doorway. Brian gasped as he was pinned to the wall of Nicolas’ hallway with a surprisingly strong grip. One of their legs quickly kicked the front door shut before returning to the tangled mass of limbs. Brian's head was spinning from the alcohol and spontaneity of the situation as Nicolas’ lips sought out his own. Their mouths pushed together lustfully, tongues seeking each other with fervent movements. Brian wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, pulling them closer and multiplying the heat between their bodies. He was still hard from his miniature daydream about his lover and Nicolas noticed as he ground their hips together. Brian let out a whimper as their groins made contact and he dug his nails into the back of Nicolas’ neck. His hands trailed down the other's sides and he grasped the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head quickly. He stared at the tanned skin, so unlike Ben's, and the toned muscles defining the shape of his stomach. Nicolas kissed him again, his lips flooding desire into Brian's mind as all thoughts of Ben were forgotten. All Brian could think of was Nicolas and he repeated the name quietly to himself as his own shirt was discarded. He found himself pinned to wall fiercely again as a furious worship of his chest began, the bites followed by soothing kisses slowly making their way back up to his collarbone. Brian gripped Nicolas’ shoulders as he lifted himself up and twisted his legs around his waist, clinging to the taller man desperately. Nicolas smirked into his neck at his total surrender and continued to thrust his hips forward, letting Brian know what he needed. Brian caught on quickly, his hands moving swiftly to unzip his partners jeans and pushing into the warmth of his boxers. Nicolas threw his head back and moaned loudly as Brian gripped his hard cock, rubbing his fingers along the length. He flung himself forward, capturing Brian’s lips and pushing them both more forcefully against the solid wall. Brian kissed him back with an equal vigour, mumbling into his mouth as he indicated feebly towards the sofa. Nicolas seemed to get the idea and he stumbled backwards slowly on weak legs, Brian’s mouth still clamped around his own and his hand still pumping in his jeans.

They fell backwards onto the worn sofa as Nicolas’ legs collided with the side and within seconds they were tearing at each other’s pants, discarding the useless items desperately. Their jeans and underwear lay scattered around the room as they turned their full attention to their naked forms. Brian pressed hard kisses to Nicolas’ lips as their already sweat-slicked bodies writhed together. He rubbed his aching cock against the others, groaning with the much-needed friction and smirking as he felt Nicolas push up against him. They both craved this. He grasped his hips and shoved himself to the other end of the sofa, saving the delicate caresses and loving kisses for someone he actually cared about. It was still a shock when Brian found himself staring at a waiting cock that wasn’t Ben’s, but his alcohol-addled mind convinced him that this was what he wanted.

“Mmm Nicolas..” he mumbled as his well-practised tongue slid up the length, encasing the head quickly in an overwhelming heat. Nicolas moaned at the suddenness of it all, but then patience didn’t seem to be a virtue in either of them that day. Brian flicked his tongue around the delicate flesh as he slid his head up and down, teasing relentlessly as only he knew how to do. He sucked his cheeks in, applying intense pressure and causing Nicolas to use every ounce of his restraint to not come on the spot.

“Oh god.. Brian.” He gasped in wild adoration, letting his hands entangle themselves in the smaller mans hair.

Brian smiled as he continued to suck forcefully, allowing himself a quiet groan as his own throbbing erection pressed against the side of Nicolas’ leg. The sound sent dizzying vibrations through Nicolas’ body and he grasped Brian’s hair quickly, pulling him away before it was over too soon. Brian sat back on his heels, a sultry look gracing his features as he beckoned the other towards him. Nicolas eagerly complied as he sat up and pulled their heaving chests close together. Brian leaned in to his ear, sliding his tongue along the earlobe.

“Fuck me.” He whispered hoarsely, though the words couldn’t have sounded clearer to Nicolas. They shifted quickly so that Brian was lying on his back with Nicolas between his legs, his hand forcefully stroking the other’s neglected length. Brian moaned at the contact and bucked his hips wildly.

“Now.” He managed to pant in the middle of his satisfied noises. To his surprise Nicolas wildly looked around the room for the necessaries. Brian hadn’t thought he would be that considerate in their desperate state.

“No, now.” He rasped as he grabbed Nicolas’ shoulders.


“Forget it. I don’t care, I need you now.” Brian declared vehemently as he reached up to kiss him. Nicolas let his other hand trail between their bodies, hastily pressing his fingers between the smooth crack and finding Brian’s opening. He clumsily pushed a dry finger inside in an attempt to hurriedly prepare him causing Brian to arch his back in shock.

“Fuuck!” he cried as Nicolas withdrew his digit and lined up his still spit-coated cock. Nicolas hesitated for a second as he revelled in making Brian squirm uncomfortably, before pushing in with a harsh thrust. He paused once he was inside as the overwhelming heat and pressure encompassed him. It wasn’t until Brian’s squeaks became more persistent that he started to move with a rapid pace, knowing neither of them would last very long. Brian’s knees clenched around Nicolas’ waist, holding him closer as they thrust furiously against each other. His head lolled back against the arm of the sofa as a hard cock brushed against his prostate and he couldn’t hold back his moans. His hand quickly snaked between their bodies to grasp his own hardness and relieve himself. A bead of sweat formed at his collarbone, breaking free and running down across his chest, tickling his skin and causing another surprised gasp. Brian pumped his cock harder as Nicolas pounded into his arse, bruising the supple skin as he grasped it in ecstasy. He found himself coming closer as the familiar sensation built quickly inside him and his moans became louder and more animalistic. Brian thrashed about wildly as his release set in, sending adrenalin pumping through his veins and clouding his mind with momentary pure bliss. Hot liquid spurted out between their burning bodies as Nicolas pushed harder, the pressure on his own cock building rapidly. He came loudly as his own orgasm set in, claiming Brian for his own as he filled his insides with liquid. Brian’s nails raked down his back as he screamed his name amidst a stream of profanities. They hovered for a second caught in that perfect moment of heaven before they came crashing back down again, collapsing against each other’s sated bodies gratefully.

Nicolas withdrew from the smaller man after a short while, rolling over so he was pressed next to him and pulling a blanket out of no-where. He covered their cooling bodies with the warm fabric and wrapped an arm around Brian as they drifted into an exhausted sleep. Brian’s mind was too consumed by the extreme sensations he had just experienced as well as the alcohol to process the implications of what had just occurred. Nicolas’ mind however was going into overdrive.

A dull buzzing invaded the soft fluffy blanket of sleep and penetrated Brian’s head. It quickly turned from a buzzing to a thudding to a pounding. Brian grimaced and tried to roll over in an effort to banish it, but instead found himself unable to move. He opened one bleary eye and stared at the back of an unfamiliar sofa. A gentle voice spoke, drifting ethereally into his ears.

“Are you awake?” Nicolas asked from his position at the other end of the seat. Brian mumbled, trying to make sense of the world though his aching head. His mouth felt as though he had swallowed a wad of cotton wool whenever he tried to speak.

“That’s ok, we have all the time in the world now.” Nicolas continued unfazed. Brian was confused. He couldn’t remember why he was here and why this strangely familiar voice was chatting unconcernedly to him.

“I knew from the moment I saw you in Laitue Bécote that you would come around. Ben was only a minor issue, easily forgotten.” Nicolas said in a strange quick-paced tone, catching Brian’s attention as he mentioned his boyfriend. Brian opened his eyes properly and looked up at the taller man sat opposite him.

“Ben?” he asked in a confused manner.

“You don’t need to worry about Ben anymore. Not now that you have me.” Nicolas stated like a parent patronising a child. Brian just watched him blankly as he continued to talk.

“Of course I recognised you as soon as you came into the shop. I wasn’t sure if you remembered me, but, well-” he paused as he glanced at Brian’s still confused face.

“You don’t remember me..”

Brian was extremely puzzled by this statement. Although it was too much for him to try to remember what happened earlier and to process Nicolas’ words at the same time, he still knew who he was. It was Nicolas, the nasty evil fuck who had tried to ruin his relationship with Ben. Which of course brought all the questions as to why he was sat, naked, on a sofa with him. Just as the inevitable truth was beginning to sink in, Nicolas started to talk again.

“I could never forget that night. You, well you were totally out of it on whatever drug of choice you had, but I remember it perfectly.” He said, his face expressionless as he recalled the precise details.

“I was seventeen and just realised ‘who’ I was. Before it had been drummed into me that all these thoughts and urges I was having were bad, that it was wrong. But then I discovered a band that screamed of androgyny, sex, lust and being yourself. I worshipped them. Every one of their songs became an anthem for me as I finally let myself go. My obsession was fuelled by an insatiable attraction to the lead singer. He was my anti-thesis and everything I wanted to be. Confident, arrogant, pretty and dripping sex in whatever he did. I used to sneak out of the house and go to sit in the fields, listening to their music on my walkman for hours and getting away from my mundane life.

Soon after I saw flyers advertising their new tour. I found out they were playing a hall not too far from me. I didn’t even bother to ask my parents, I knew what their answer would be. So instead I got dressed up, stole enough money from my mothers bag and slipped out of the house, heading there on my own. I was wide-eyed in amazement when I arrived and joined the end of the queue. Everyone here was like me, boys in impeccable eyeliner and short skirts, girls with their hair cut so short you could only tell their sex by the bulges on their chests. For the first time in my life I felt as though I fit in. We rushed forward as the doors were finally opened, united as if one being by our love of a band. I pushed past a group of shorter girls and battled my way to the front, earning a place at the left on the barrier. The perfect view. I smiled and danced along to the support act, singing words I didn’t know as we passed the time.

Then the lights dimmed and the drummer stepped onto the stage. The crowd went wild, cheering and screaming just as the bassist joined him. They started up a simple beat and we all waited with bated breath. Just as I was starting to worry you strolled across the stage, cigarette in hand, guitar slung across one shoulder and looking as though you hadn’t a care in the world. I held my breath as I gazed at your perfection, clad in a dress and black army boots. I was lost the moment you started to sing, two hours flew by so quickly. I only realised when you informed us it was the end and launched into the opening bars of Nancy Boy. I screamed and jumped but so did everyone behind me. They were closing in on me, squeezing my ribcage and depriving me of crucial air. Spots of light started to swim before my eyes and concentrating on the music didn’t help anymore. I blacked out.

When I came to I was lying on my back on a table in a small room. I heard the dying ring of a guitar in the distance so I gathered the gig was just ending. The hall’s first-aider appeared at my side and checked me over. She made sure I had no serious bruising on my chest and then indicated to the door, telling me I could go when I felt better. I sat up uneasily and waited for the dizziness to die down before getting to my feet. I pushed open the door and was about to walk down the hallway towards the exit when another door opened to my right. I stared in shock as you, followed by your other band mates and crewmembers strolled down the hallway into a room I supposed was your post-gig party. It took me all of two seconds to make up my mind whether or not to follow, and I slipped in the door behind you unnoticed. The room was packed full of people so I easily blended into the crowd. I went and got a drink from the bar before seating myself on the sofa next to you. A guy next to me started up a conversation about something boring but I politely listened and nodded, stealing glances at you every few minutes. I was racking my brains trying to come up with something to say to you that wouldn’t sound stupid, but I was saved the effort by a familiar voice in my ear.

“Hey, I don’t recognise you from the normal crew and roadies.” You slurred, your voice obviously marred by a cocktail of alcohol and drugs.

“Uhm well no. That’s because I snuck in here.” I replied, feeling slightly star struck.

“Nice,” you smirked, looking faintly impressed, “So do you have a name?”

“Nicolas” I managed to choke as my vocal cords seemed intent on giving up.

“And were you at the gig tonight Nicolas?” You asked, looking at me quizzically. I nodded swiftly.

“What did you think?”

“I thought it was amazing! You had so much energy on stage.” I gushed before I could stop myself. But you smiled, saving me from my embarrassment. You made small talk, keeping the conversation flowing almost idly. Never once did you introduce yourself but you didn’t really need to. Everyone in the room knew who you were and I was no exception. I glanced up at one point and to my horror spotted a security guard moving deftly through the crowd.

“Shit..” I muttered as I looked around for an escape.

“Hmm, maybe we had better hide you..” You commented languidly, grasping my arm and pulling me to my feet with a surprising agility. We wove through the crowd towards a door at the far end of the room and soon found ourselves well away from the security guard. You didn’t stop though, and continued out of the door and outside into the cold night air. You dropped my arm and fumbled in your pockets, procuring a cigarette packet and lighting one.

“Want one?” You asked, holding the silvery packet in my direction. I shook my head and you made a non-committal noise, taking a large drag before grabbing my hand again and striding off down the street.

“Where are we going?” I asked, shivering slightly as a chilly breeze swept around me.

“My hotel room.” You commented, not looking back as you continued to walk determinedly forwards. My heart started to thud in my chest. I knew what that meant. We didn’t talk throughout the whole journey. Not even when the receptionist gazed in amazement as we strolled in through the hotel entrance and requested Mr Molko’s door key.

We finally made it to your room and I stood in silence whilst you fumbled with the lock. The door swung open and you stumbled inside, pulling me with you and kicking the door shut. You immediately latched your arms around my neck and started to kiss me, just in case I had any doubts as to what would happen that night.

We made our way precariously to the bed, you removing my shirt as our kisses became hastier.

We fell onto the soft mattress amidst a flurry of discarded clothes. Your mouth sweetly traversed my collarbone, before harshly biting into my shoulder as a warning for what was to come. We moaned loudly in unison as your lips moved down my emaciated form and found my throbbing cock. It was the first time anyone had touched me as intimately as that and it seemed I couldn’t get enough of it. I was truly mistaken though if I had thought the experience would be tender and loving in any way, as the various chemicals invading your body had blinded you with simple lust. We moved together passionately as your tongue made me beg for more, gripping onto the bed sheets with all my strength. You suddenly flipped me over and entered me harshly. No protection, no lubrication, just pure hunger. I was bruised and broken by the time we finished but I didn’t care because I was in your arms. I gazed at your sweet face as we fell into an easy sleep, waiting for the morning to come and reveal our love to the world.

Of course I was very much mistaken when I woke up the next morning. The bright sunlight gently filtered in through the sheer curtains and I rolled over, opening my eyes and expecting to see you smiling back at me. Instead the sight of an empty bed greeted me. I turned back over as I heard the click of a lock and saw you walking out of the bathroom dressed only in a towel and still wet from your shower.

“Brian.” I smiled, not being able to hide the joy in my voice. You ignored me, not even looking in my direction as you walked to the table and calmly lit a cigarette.

“Uhm.. last night-” I started to ask, before I was cut off by your angry voice.

“What do you want from me kid?” you asked as a frown crossed your face. The words stung me like a deft slap to the face. I opened my mouth in shock, trying to think of coherent words.

“I.. I uh-”

“You what? You’ve had your fun, fucked a rock star, now it’s time for you to leave.” You snapped at me. I felt bitter tears begin to prick my eyes as I sat paralysed in your bed.

“GET OUT!” you screamed, picking up the nearest cup and throwing it at the wall above me. It shattered into a million pieces as I scrambled out of the bed sheets. I hurriedly grabbed my clothes and ran from the room, not stopping until I was out of sight of the hotel. I slumped against a wall and cried my heart out, not caring about anything else in the world other than my own self-pity.”

Nicolas paused for a while, to emphasise his tragic teenage angst. Brian just stared at him, an unrecognisable look on his face. Nicolas’ words had kept him transfixed the whole time, weaving an intricately detailed web around his mind and compelling him to listen. He didn’t remember doing any of what he had just been told, but it was probably true. He had spent most of the early years of his success fucking everything that moved and then throwing the poor victims unmercifully out of his room the next morning. And now it seemed he had done it again. Luring Nicolas into another false sense of hope with yet another drunken fuck. Brian hated himself at that moment as the implications of his actions hit him. He had sacrificed everything he had with Ben, one day before they were meant to move to London together, all because he couldn’t control himself. A tear rolled down his cheek as he mirrored Nicolas’ self-pitying adolescent character.

“But you finally came back to me.” Nicolas said to him with shining eyes, and it took Brian a second to realise he had been talking.

“I love you, and now you are mine finally..” he ranted as Brian started to get up. Brian quickly gathered up his clothes, pulling them on in a hurry. He had to get out of this place, he needed somewhere to clear his head.

“Where are you going? Brian?” Nicolas’ voice turned into a persistent whine, although that could have been Brian’s mind altering it. He turned around to stare at the pathetic dependant form on the sofa.

“Nicolas you don’t need me. I’m shit, I’m not good for people. I’ve just proven that by ruining everything I had with my wonderful boyfriend by sleeping with you.” Brian said, turning to walk out of the door.

“But I love you Brian..” Nicolas protested weakly.

“No you don’t. You love my image. That’s not who I really am.. well anymore. It used to be me but I’ve changed now. You don’t know the real me Nicolas.” Brian stated, leaving Nicolas speechless and naked as he walked outside into the freezing darkness.

He walked quickly along the street, unable to stop the tears streaming down his face as the harsh reality hit him.

“Why do I always fuck everything up?” Brian asked himself quietly. No-one answered him as he continued to walk, eventually finding himself at a children’s playground, which was deserted so early in the morning. He sat down on a swing, slowly pushing himself away from the ground as he tried to disconnect himself from reality.
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