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Heaven in a Tourniquet

The Mis-Adventures of Brian and Other Random People

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bri/stef lovers

You have reached placebobitch's creative journal. It will be full of band fanfiction and random pieces of artwork. There will be lots of slash and sexual encounters. None of the people in my stories belong to me with the exception of Ben, Clémantine, Marguerite and Claude. I only write for fun and the enjoyment of others, so please don't sue me!

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The Mis-Adventures of Brian and Other Random People

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bri/stef lovers
Title: The Mis-Adventures of Brian and Other Random People
Fandom: Placebo, Star Wars, features loads of other people as well...
Pairing: None really
Rating: NC-17
Author's Note: This is born from a night of pure boredom on msn. Me and ultra_pink wrote a few lines each in turn, and it turned out very strange and very funny indeed! Random People include ET, Fred Durst, Obi One Ewan and Yoda.



Once upon a time there was a little girl named Brian who lived in a big old creepy house with his evil stepmum, Bill. He got very bored one day and decided to dig a hole in the wall, cos he heard that mice called jerry lived in walls. But her evil stepmum found her with a hammer and said "Bad Brian! what have I told you about knocking holes in the walls?". Brian just looked sheepish, so she took him by his collar and threw him into the basement as punishment.
Suddenly he heard a shriek, he jumped on a box and looked all around him, very scared. He saw something moving in a corner and wondered what it was. He groped around on the shelf nearest to him and found a torch. He hesitantly flicked it on, and gave a gasp as the weak light revealed his computer Rodolphe. His jaw hit the ground "you're...you're alive??" he stammered as the pc moved towards him, opening the disk player as its mouth and said "You bitch! dumping me in the basement when you got your brand new laptop! Well I'm gonna make you pay for leaving me! Your stepmum doesn’t know about all the porn I've got saved on my hard drive!" Brian squealed as the computer dragged across the floor, its ON light flickering menacingly.
From upstairs came a loud moan. Brian grimaced at the sound of his stepmum wanking. She always put her in the basement so she could use all that was in the house to pleasure herself. But Brian’s attention was brought back to Rodolphe as it was now sending bolts of electricity out of its unplugged wire. The other un-used electrical appliances seemed to be coming to life as the bolts zapped around the room. Brian stared fearfully at an old microwave on the shelf next to him, when suddenly the doors on an old closet in the corner flung open to reveal his male cousin in fishnets and high heels and corset. Brian stepped back at the sight of him, nearly tripping over Rodolphe, who was annoyed by this sudden appearance which took the attention from it. Brian stared at his cousin expecting him to explain his presence here.
The cousin opened his mouth and said "Fuck! Stef has had me in here all day!" Brian smirked as he remembered his dearest friend had gone out earlier in the day to get pissed. "You have a thing for dressing up in drag don't you Stevie?" Steve was about to reply when Rodolphe zapped them both and yelled "Don't you ignore me you twats!!! I’m fucking Rodolphe the god of computers!!!" it ended in a shriek. Brian shrugged and pushed its cd player closed, shutting Rodolphe up.
Brian turned to Steve and said "So coming out of the closet again are we Stevie?!" Steve just grinned and was about to reply, when Rodolphe jumped on his foot. "Fuck!" he yelled, as Brian frantically looked around, remembering the hammer he had before. He found it on the stairs and raised it above his head
and yanked it down on Rodolphe's top side. "You bitch!!!" Rodolphe yelled, raising its mouse to stroke on its top side where a huge bump had appeared. A low sob escaped the cd player and before it could say anymore, Brian smashed the screen to pieces with the hammer, shrieking and jumping on top of it until he was certain the computer wasn't coming back to life. He turned to the quivering appliances on the shelves and brandished the hammer menacingly. They all stopped still and Brian smiled before turning back to Steve.
He frowned. Steve had huge tears falling down his cheeks. "You killed it" he whispered. He threw himself on his knees next to the rest of the computer and took it in his arms, kissing it all over. "My sweet Rodolphe, my love, you're gonna live, I can't live without you, without you I’m nothing" he started to sob loudly, still kissing Rodolphe.
After a while, he looked up at Brian and saw a puzzled face. "Why are you bothered about Rodolphe?!" Brian asked questioningly. "It had all my porn on it.. I need my porn!" Steve burst into tears again.
"Oh so that was YOUR porn?!" Brian inquired with a raised eyebrow. "Don't worry, I have much more on my laptop upstairs! I can show you if you like.." he said, flicking a tongue over his lips. Steve smiled and an evil glint appeared in his eyes. He took the hammer and started to attack the door, eventually breaking it open. He took Brian’s arm and pulled him to the exit. They stooped dead in their tracks as they entered the living room seeing the stepmum in a weird position. She was hanging from the chandelier by her legs, with a feather duster in one hand and a massive vibro in the other.
Steve gasped and said "Is your stepmum always this weird?!" Brian sighed and replied "Yeh.. you should see her when Xav is here" as he took Stevie's hand and led him into the hallway.
They were just about to go up the stairs when the front door burst open. They turned around in shock and saw a giant fluffy banana with arms and legs. It laughed evilly and trotted to them. The stepmum screamed in fright and fell to the ground, gasping as she fell on her vibro. Brian and Steve looked at her, disgusted, and suddenly felt themselves being lifted from the ground. The banana was kidnapping them!!!
The banana laughed and turned away and walked towards the front door and started running down the road. Suddenly the banana tripped and Brian and Steve went flying. They found themselves face down in the dirt, and as they got up and looked around, they couldn't recognise where they were.
Brian wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. "Steeeeve, I’m cold". Steve walked to Brian and innocently extended one hand to Brian’s back. But instead he squeezed Brian’s arse. Heat shot up to Brian’s face "Th-thanks" he stammered.
The banana groaned and got up with difficulty. It looked a bit dizzy but smirked as he saw something arriving behind the guys. Brian and Steve turned just in time to see Stef wearing a frilly pink maids outfit and a huge grin.
"Alright Bri! Steve!" He nodded in their direction. "Like the strippogram I sent?" Brian just looked confused as he replied "Strippogram? We got kidnapped by a giant banana.." Stef furrowed his eyebrows and said "Oh I must have accidentally hired a kidnapper.. Oh well.." But his sentence was cut short by the banana jumping on Stef and holding him tight, kissing his face all over. Brian and Steve laughed but stopped immediately as they felt something soft hitting the back of their heads. They turned and saw 2 girls, one with purple hair, the other one with red hair, holding each 2 pillows. They grinned and yelled suddenly "pillow fight!!!" and ran over to the strange collection of people seemingly in the middle of no-where. They started attacking the giant banana until it ran away, then turned back to the boys (and Brian) with evil glints in their eyes. Pillows went flying in every direction as suddenly the largest pillow fight ever broke out by the side of the road.
Suddenly a loud noise came from the sky. They all looked up to see an ufo approaching. It landed on the ground next to them and ET came out of it. ET extended his hand to Brian "ET phone home" and took his hand.
The red-haired girl shrieked and snatched Brian from ET, hugging him tightly to her. ET glared at her and then the purple haired girl stepped forward and slapped the ugly little alien. It was taken by surprise, and grabbed Stefan and Steve before running back to its spaceship and zooming off into the sky.
Brian hugged the red-haired girl back and said "That was random..". Then Bill, the evil stepmum came screeching up in her battered old car. She opened the door and yelled "Get your butt over here, you dirty girl!!! how many times do I have to tell you that girls don't go with girls??”
The two girls poke their tongue out at Bill and grabbed each of Brian’s hands, dragging him away. Suddenly Brian spoke "We need to free Stef and Steve" and a sob escaped his lips. The two girls looked down at him and then looked at each other. The red-hair one then said "Let's go find obi-one, he'll know what to do."
Brian yelled back at Bill "Mum, mind giving us a lift to Obi-One-Ewan's place?" Bill's eyes lit up as she opened the back doors of the car. "Sure, hop in girls. That Obi-One-Ewan is some hot fuck! And DON'T call me mum!" The girls looked a Brian apprehensively, but he just smiled and climbed into the back of the car so they followed.
They sat on each side of Brian, squeezing him between them and stroking his thighs with dirty grins. Bill stopped the car in front of obi-one-ewan's cave and bang on the door.
Obi-one-ewan opened it and shrieked at the sight of that huge boyish woman. He threw a leek on her face and slammed the door shut. Brian and the girls panicked and got out of the car as well. Then Bill jumped into the car and sped off, the leek still hanging from one ear, leaving Brian and the two girls standing in front of Obi-One-Ewan’s cave/house.
Brian looked at the other two and said “Well I guess we had better try to knock on his door..” he bit his lip nervously. “What are your names anyway?”.
"I’m Laetitia" the red-haired girl answered "and this is Amy." She pointed to the purple-haired drooling girl. She poked Amy, making her swallow. "I’m Brian" Brian said smiling. "We know" the two girls answered with an evil smirk. Brian laughed nervously and turn to knock on obi-one-ewan's door.
A loud crash came from inside and, as he pulled the door open, a flood of leeks came tumbling out of the cave. “Oh shit!” Obi-One-Ewan yelled into thin air, “I’m trying to make a bloody Leek Pie and that Bill Bitch comes and harasses me for more kinky sex!”
Brian, Amy and Laetitia gulped slightly as they stared up at the pissed off Scottish Jedi. Brian opened his mouth and obi-one-ewan shoved a leek in it. Brian’s eyes widened with shock. It was Laetitia's turn to drool. She threw herself on her knees in front of the master Jedi and kissed his feet. "Please oh master Jedi, we came to beg for your help!!!" obi-one-ewan stared at her as if she was insane and looked up at Amy, raising an eyebrow.
“Sorry about her.. Utter star wars nut..” Amy replied, waving her hand towards the now sobbing Laetitia. “Anyway we need your help in rescuing some friends.” Brian tried to talk, but all that came out was a muffled noise, so Obi-One-Ewan pulled out the leek and threw it to the floor. Brian pouted a bit, but was quickly reminded by Amy that he had had a lot bigger in his mouth. So he shrugged and bent down to grab the leek. "Can be useful" he said as obi-one-ewan looked at him weirdly. He put it in his pocket and turned his attention back to obi-one-ewan.
"Come in" the Jedi gestured for them to come. But as Laetitia was now lying on the floor face down, hitting the ground with her fists he picked up a stray leek and solemnly poked her in the side with it. She immediately regained whatever previous mental state she was in, and followed the others inside the cave. Brian was surprised as it was decorated lushly, in furs and silks, rather than the cave furniture he was expecting. Obi-One-Ewan gestured for them to sit down at a table and Brian started to tell what happened so far. Obi-one-ewan was listening with obvious interest while both girls were staring, Amy at Brian and Laetitia at obi-one-ewan, with jaw dropped and drool running down their chin.
There was a sudden noise and all turned towards the dark end of the cave where they saw Yoda levitate to them. He pointed at them and said “Friend troubles, you have.” Laetitia stopped her drooling and burst into laughter at the sight of Yoda, soon followed by Brian and Amy. Obi-One-Ewan shook his head and said, “Why do you have to speak like such a twat Yoda?” Yoda blinked as if offended and replied “How I talk, this is.”
Obi-one-ewan was about to say something when Brian butted in “Can I see your light-saber?" Laetitia and Amy burst into laughter once more as their naughty minds realised what he just said and yoda frowned and shook his head at them. "In trouble you are if not able to concentrate you are. Big self-control the force needs for you to use it" Laetitia and Amy stopped laughing to stare at him as they didn't understand a word of what this greenish dwarf had just uttered.
Obi-one-ewan shook his head and said “Just ignore the stupid troll, we need to go and find your friends. Luckily I know where evil ET’s hide out is.” Yoda squeaked at the fact he was called a troll, but Brian shoved a leek into his mouth and grinned. Obi-One-Ewan quickly led them to the back of his cave where a huge spaceship was waiting, except it was a cucumber.
Laetitia turned to obi-one-ewan, raising an eyebrow. He just shrugged and smiled, this sending Laetitia in an hysterical fit of giggles. Amy slapped her head and sat astride the cucumber behind obi-one-ewan. Brian giggled dirtily at their position and slid onto the cucumber behind Amy, with Laetitia joining him. He giggled and said “Reminds me of Steve” as Obi-One-Ewan fired up the rockets and the cucumber took off through a hole in the cave. Brian nearly fell off as it shot upwards but Laetitia grabbed him around the waist as she was sitting behind him, holding him tight against her, not letting go even though he was safe now. Brian just shrugged and leaned back against her and they enjoyed their flight, looking in every direction when suddenly Yoda came flying out of nowhere on a vacuum cleaner.
"What the fuck are you doing you stupid elf?" Obi-One-Ewan yelled, trying to knock him out of the way of the cucumber. "You left your mega-cosmic-alien-blasting-gun behind. It's the only way you can defeat ET" Yoda replied smartly, handing him a large pink gun. "Oh thanks.." muttered Obi-one-ewan sheepishly.
Then they saw ET's evil space lair up ahead, and Yoda was so scared he fell off his vacuum cleaner and into the sky. Obi-one-ewan shrugged and said "oh well...he sucked in bed anyway, not a big loss".
Amy, Brian and Laeti stared at obi-one-ewan with wide eyes and disgusted looks, and obi-one-ewan turned to them "Hey! I live in a cave, what did you expect!!" They all shrugged.
They suddenly went through a golden cloud and when they got out of it again, they saw ET's space lair not more than 100 metres away from them. It was green and slimy looking, and a horrible smell was wafting off it, causing a great green mist around it. "OHMIGAWD! IT'S A GIANT BOGEY!" Amy yelled, letting her Essex girl roots show through. Everyone clamped a hand over their noses as they neared it. The cucumber touched down on a slimy green platform, and a door at the end of the platform opened and an dozen of red little jelly things came running to them, holding guns. They were swaying dangerously and one of them even fell off the platform. The others immediately fell on their knees, crying the loss of their friend and they ended up committing suicide by jumping off in the sky.
Obi-one-ewan, Brian, Amy and Laetitia stared in disbelief and grabbed the guns that were still on the floor before running inside the door in slow motion, tossing their hair in the wind that had suddenly appeared. Time speeded up again as they ran inside, and they all slid on the bogey floor and fell into a big slimy heap.
Amy and Laetitia managed to disentangle themselves and stood up, only to find themselves in an odd room. It was pink skin and looked strangely similar to the inside of a stomach, damp and with green patches, blue veins running all over the skin. Brian shuddered and stepped closer to obi-one-ewan. Suddenly there was a big burping noise and a strong blow of wind sent them flying through a tunnel. The smell was so awful that they fainted.
When they opened their eyes again they found a disgusting hideous wrinkly bald old transvestite looking down at them! "Holy Fuck! It's my stepmum!" Brian yelled, clinging to obi-one-ewan a little too closely for the Jedi’s liking. "I'm not your stepmum you little shit, I'm ET" It drawled back, taking a drag on its cigarette.
They all stood and stared at the alien. Finally Laeti spoke up. "But..but why are you in a dress?" she asked. ET turned to her and raised an eyebrow. "Want me to take it off?" he asked in a flirting voice. "Ewww no!!!" they all exclaimed together, stepping back. "Too bad." ET shrugged and resumed smoking, blowing out dildo-shaped smoke.
"Where are our friends?" Amy asked impatiently, causing the alien to laugh evilly, then start coughing and choking on smoke. Laeti couldn't help but snigger as his coughing got more violent, and he staggered around. He eventually composed himself after choking up a large ball of scum in the corner. "Your friends? Haha you shall see" he said, and pressed a large blue button on the wall next to him.
Suddenly a side of the wall opened to reveal a window, showing a kind of aquarium. But the water was greenish and looked more thick than usual water. It actually looked like... "OMG!!!" Brian exclaimed and hid his face in his hands. Stef and Steve were there, unconscious, in the middle of snot, the green stuff the only thing holding them up. Obi-one-ewan bent over and threw up while Amy and Laeti gathered around Brian to comfort him. Obi-one-ewan glared at them in-between puking and said “Hey! What about me?”. “Brian is cuter” Laeti said and shrugged, turning back to Brian and groping him.
ET coughed in annoyance and they all turned their attention back to him/her. “Anyway… Your friends will stay suspended in snot forever, only being removed to attend to my every sexual need.” He declared loudly. Brian went pale and shuddered at the thought of his friends having to give blowjobs to that old pile of crap. Laeti held him tighter as Amy slowly made her way to Obi-one-ewan, grabbing his light saber in one swift movement. She turned on the glowing pink light and waved it in front of ET's face. "Give us our friends back or I’ll stick this up your arse!!!" She exclaimed menacingly.
ET smiled and took the lightsaber in his mouth, swallowing it right up the handle. He moved his head back and the lightsaber slipped out of his mouth with a smacking noise. It was covered in green slimy goo, so Amy immediately dropped it to the floor.
“Ewwwwwww” she yelled, as ET smirked and pressed another button on the wall. More jelly creatures floated through the thick goo in the aquarium and grabbed Stefan. As ET watched in interest they started undressing the poor Swede and jumped on his naked body, bouncing higher and higher, laughing their arses off.
Laetitia started giggling but Brian silenced her with a glare. "Bring him here!!" ET ordered the jelly creatures and, growling, they lifted Stefan and brought him at their master's feet.

Brian ran towards him but the jelly creatures held large dildos in front of Brian, blocking his path. Brian fell to his knees, sobbing as ET stepped closer to Stefan. “Nooooooooooooooooooo” he cried. Obi-one-ewan looked hopelessly around, but Laeti suddenly whispered something to Amy. They both jumped around, trying to get his attention without ET noticing. Obi-one-ewan glanced in their direction and shook his head helplessly. But Amy motioned to him to come over. Obi-one-ewan crawled to them on all fours, and he had almost reached them when a red jelly creature noticed his movements and threw a dildo at him. Obi-one-ewan squealed as it slipped inside him, ET's attention turning to him.
The girls took advantage of that to stamp on the jelly creatures, squashing them to the floor. Brian fell on his knees next to Stef and accidentally pulled his trousers down. He stared up at Stef and grinned, but ET had already squealed and went for Stef’s cock. The two girls looked on helplessly and Obi-one-ewan squirmed on the floor in lust. Laeti suddenly saw something pink lying next to him, and dived onto the floor to grab the mega-cosmic-alien-blasting-gun.
She then pointed it at ET and shot. Rainbows came out of the mega-cosmic-alien-blasting-gun, sending pink, blue, green, yellow and red glows everywhere and the room sparkled prettily. Laeti's arms fell against her sides, defeated. But after a while, the glows circled ET's body, more and more tight. There was a blinding flash and when the light faded, instead of ugly ET was standing Fred Durst. Naked. And holding a pink dildo.
Amy and Laeti burst out laughing, rolling on the floor and holding their sides. Stefan pulled his trousers up, and got Brian to his feet. They both stared at Fred for a moment, pondering what to do with him. Brian spotted Obi-one-ewan on the floor with the vibrator up his arse still, so he quickly ran over and pulled it out of him. He set the vibrator to the highest level and shoved it up Fred's arse.
Obi-one-ewan groaned in protest as he was just about to orgasm but as he looked at Fred, a wide grin appeared on his face. He ran to him and pushed him on the floor, pulling the dildo in and out of him. Fred was shrieking, trying to shove him off. "Get off me you homo!!!" But what obi-one-ewan was doing to him was too good and soon he was moaning loudly, pulling obi-one-ewan down in a deep snog.
Laeti and Amy were staring at them, drool running down their chin when Brian screamed "Steve!!! we have to free Steve!!" Amy and Laeti hesitantly pulled themselves away from the rape of Fred, and went over to Brian and Stefan. “But how do we get in there?” Amy asked, scratching her head. Just as she said that, a door flew open in the wall, leading into the aquarium. They looked at each other curiously and then wandered through the door.
But they found themselves face to face with evil green snot. All around them, surrounding them. Laetitia shrieked and held onto Brian’s arms. The smell was unbearable but they had to do it, for Steve. So they stepped into the snot, grimacing as the stinking stuff clang on their hair, skin and clothes and they waved their arms around them to make their way through it.
Suddenly a voice boomed through their ears. "I am the evil snot. You will not take my prisoner" it said, causing Brian to jump. Laeti pushed forward undeterred and the goo around them started to vibrate. They all stopped in shock, waiting for something to happen. But the snot just simply vibrated a bit harder. "Is that it?" Amy asked, folding her arms. "Well yeah... snot can't do much.." The voice said, a little sheepishly.
Laeti and Amy sniggered and turned around when they didn't hear Brian and Stef do the same. "Awwww" they exclaimed together. Brian was hanging off Stef's neck, and they were kissing tenderly, totally oblivious of what was going on around them. Amy ran to them and hugged them tight, awing profusely. Laeti poked the snot and it shook a bit and suddenly Steve landed at their feet.
Steve stood up and brushed some snot off himself, before turning to the others.
“Shall we get going now then?” he asked, looking a bit bored. Amy and Laeti huffed indignantly. “Ahem? No thank you for the rescue?” they said. “Oh yeah, Thanks” Steve replied casually, walking out the door to find Obi-one-ewan and Fred Durst naked and fucking furiously.
"Pah! we should have let him in the snot!!" Laetitia hissed. "Do you think there's a chance he'd join them?" Amy asked hopefully nodding towards obi-one-ewan and Fred, gasping and whimpering on the floor. Brian, who heard them, grabbed Steve and threw him at the fucking men who instantly took hold of Steve, undressing him and starting to touch him.
Grinning, Amy, Laeti, Brian and Stef slowly made their way to the door. They skipped out onto the green platform, thankfully avoiding any unnecessary slow motion antics, and gathered around the cucumber. “Anyone know how to fly this thing?” asked Stef. Brian shook his head and poked the giant vegetable. “Maybe we should get obi-one-ewan?” Amy asked, and everyone agreed and sent her back inside.
Obi-one-ewan, Fred and Steve had finished fucking, and were lying on the floor panting and covered in cum. Their clothes had mysteriously disappeared into the floor though, so Amy dragged them all back outside naked.
Laeti stared at Amy as she came back with the guys. "Why did you bring Fred back??? Are you crazy?? What if he turns back into ET?" Brian nodded frantically, and so did Stef. Obi-one-ewan shook his head. "Don't worry about that, after what I did to him, he'll remain as queer as Stef, and so will Steve." he winked as he pinched Fred's and Steve's arse and they squealed in a very girly way.
They all slid back onto the cucumber, with Obi-one-ewan at the front, Steve behind him, then Stef, Brian, Amy and Laeti. Fred jumped onto the back, earning a nasty look from Laeti who was a bit uncomfortable at having him naked behind her. Obi-one-ewan started the cucumber up with a start, and it shot off into the air. Because Fred was so covered in come, he slid slightly off the back. Laeti smirked and gave him a shove.
Fred shrieked as he slid off the cucumber and fell in the sky. Ewan heard him and forced the cucumber to make a loop to catch his lovely Fred, but he was too slow and all the passengers fell from the spaceship in the sky. Laeti and Amy managed to grab Stef's and Brian's hands, so the four of them were linked as they fell endlessly.
Eventually they saw a small block below them, rapidly becoming bigger. As they got nearer they recognized it to be Brian’s house. They all clung together as they hurtled closer to the roof, before finally crashing through it. They landed in a heap of dust and bruised limbs on the floor and wearily looked around.
Bill the evil stepmum was humping the computer, trying to fuck the image of a very naked and muscular man. As they looked closer, they noticed it was Fred Durst. Laeti, Amy, Brian and Stef burst into laughter. There was a loud crash and Fred fell right at Bill's feet. The stepmum squealed in delight and picked him up, dragging him out of the room.
The girls turned to Brian and smiled shyly. "Uhm, what now?"
“We eat ice cream!” Brian yelled. And Stef and the girls winked at each other, knowing that ice cream and Brian had it’s uses.


Fin.
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